She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
