i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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