no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
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I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
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They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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