he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
