I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
