My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
