I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
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