We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
