What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
