Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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