I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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