Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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