Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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