i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
