if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
