I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
