I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
