I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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