uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
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I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
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Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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