My first STD was from a foam party
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
