then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
