he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
