I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
