the condom got lost in my hair
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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