My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
