"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
