This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
is wine microwaveable?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
