I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
