Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
