I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
