if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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