i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
