What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
