Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
