FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
