My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
