around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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