Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
