That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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