You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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