I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
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I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
God I need to hump something, right now.
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