How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
