honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
