Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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