well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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