"it" just moved
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
