Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
