They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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