glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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