Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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