Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
