dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
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i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
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Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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