I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
