Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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