my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
