This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
