im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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