We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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