Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Randomize
