i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
