Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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