You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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