I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
