Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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