Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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