i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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