I'm eating all of the evidence.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
