i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
